Doing My Own Thing

So, I'm on this journey. An adventure learning to become a better writer. I am transforming the consumé of my talent into a rich and hearty beef stew.

I'm adding carrots - taking writing classes.

I'm adding potatoes and assorted vegetables - taking classes to heal my inner artist.

I'm flavoring it with exotic seasonings - taking an acting class to investigate where my create engine was built in the first place, and Spanish classes to keep my brain from calicifying.

I'm adding chunky hunks of beef - Training myself to show up and not give up. Sit down and write every day with enthusiam!

I have a script in the crockpot right now. It is stewing and simmering and thickening as we speak (so to speak.) This is the first screenplay I've ever written. Now, I've written tons of episodes for children's television. And I've been pretty successful at it, and pretty busy over the years. Whenever I wasn't working, I would use my down time to do other things...some good for me...some very bad. But I never used that down time to do what I always dreamt of doing, writing an original screenplay.

I used to think that I was just too tired or actually too lazy to do it. The only thing that motivated my writing was a juicy paycheck at the end of the week. A deadline I could handle, but a dream...? Put it on the back burner. I'm just going to lie here and pick my navel.

Now through study and introspection, I have finally realized that what I called "fatigue & laziness" was actually fear. I was afraid to do it because what if I couldn't?

I love movies. I go all the time. I can be very critical; "That story fell apart in the third act." "That character didn't work because he was totally driven by plot, not emotional truth." And on and on I would go, an Ebert of the head. Good at after movie conversation, bad at putting my own ass on the line.

Fear is a crafty little bastard. It will come at you in many disguises and suck you in every time...well, almost everytime. I'm on to this bitch now. I'm on to the excuses, the procrastination, the safety of inaction, the security of "don't try won't fail." I'm ready to put it on the line. Facing my fears, admitting them, giving them a hug, patting them on the head and sending them to the back of the room to stand in the corner and be quiet, while my enthusiasm and dreams take center stage and we play together every day in front of this computer.

I've also discovered that it's more fun when I approach writing as play instead of work. Work = drudgery, Play = fun, excitement, and so what if I get it wrong, at least I had fun.

You learn a lot by going to school. A lot of good things, and a lot of crap. I am going to teach my children to approach learning with a "take what I can use and get rid of the rest attitude." I had a teacher in Screenwrting One who was so negative. He made grown women cry, and lots of the people in class just gave up on their ideas and dreams.

He even tried to worm his way into my head. But I've been to the rodeo, so when he tried that crap with me I confronted him. I told him that he was being very discouraging and I chose not to be discouraged. He flew into a rage and said he was tired of students telling him that. Well, that should have told him something right there - if they keep telling you're too discouragin, perhaps it's time to pay attention.

Even though I confronted him, he wormed himself into my head anyway making me doubt a pivitol choice I made for my main character. I went back and forth for months, tried to come up with other choices that I felt were as strong and emotionally true.

Today, I wrote that scene. I approached it with fun and enthusiasm. I wrote it the way I originally intended only better, and I had fun doing it. That asswipe is out of my head. This is just a warning before you let them into yours. Even if they are your teachers, they don't know everything. Many are frustrated artists with their own agendas. And besides, they are only human, and as humans we all make mistakes.

Oh well, enough of this. I have to go help paint furniture for the nursery. Life is lemonade and brownies smeared with peanut butter. Buh-bye!

Long Time, No Blog

I haven't posted since April 11th, 2006, and now here it is August 1st. I could say that I've just been busy, or I didn't feel like it, or I lost the muse or not offer any excuse at all and in fact, that's what I am not going to do - offer an EXCUSE.

I am going to give you a REASON. In the earlier part of the year when I started this blog, I wanted to share myself and my POV on the world. A blog is a powerful thing, because when you send your thoughts out on the web, you are sending the energy behind those thought out into the universe. Anyone can read it, anyone can be affected by it, or not, but it's still powerful because energy cannot be destroyed - but it can be transformed.

I was enjoying writing my blog. I thought it was funny until I realized that a lot of it (not all of it, but most of it) was mean spirited. I was taking pleasure in dissecting people and putting it out on the web, spewing my bad feelings and bad energy out onto the world. I didn't like the me that I was representing. I didn't feel comfortable anymore being a source of negativity even if it was in the name of humor.

I've been on a journey the past few months. I've been very busy taking screenwriting courses and Spanish at UCLA, taking writing workshops with JACK GRAPES and now with THE ARTIST'S WAY. I've even started taking an acting workshop at the IVANA CHUBBICK STUDIOS. All of these activities have been in the name of rejuvenating my creative fire, my passion, my hunger, my drive. It's working, I'm feeling great, life is wonderful.

The greatest blessing of all is that my partner and I are going to be a fathers in 10 weeks. Our daughter, Jamaya Blue, will be born by surrogate, and it is the most fantastic dream come true that I could ever imagine. Knowing that I am going to be a father, has had a profound effect on me. I think about what I want to teach my children all the time. What I am going to pass on to them through my behavior and outlook on life? I feel it is my duty to be the best me I can be, to prepare myself to nurture and raise this gift to the world.

These questions sent me on a search for spirituality. I've never been much of a churgh-goer. In fact, there was a time in my life when I thought I was an athiest. Throughout my life I've studied many spiritual philosophies in a casual manner. There was a period when I was reading everything Shirley Maclaine put out. And a lot of her philosiphies have stuck with me through the years. I've also tried crystals, chanting and other types of new age trends.

Having children sent me on new quest because I want to raise my children with some spiritual point of view. Provide them with a foundation from which they can make their own choices and decisions when they start to have questions. I am very wary of churches that exclude anyone. I have never been able to understand how one group of people could say they are the chosen and everyone else will be left out of the Kingdom of Heaven. The concept of heaven & hell - not very convincing or reassuring to me. And that whole "Adam & Steve" "Gay Abomination" nonsense is something I could never tolerate. So it was very difficult for me to find a place that was comforting, and accepting where I could be my authentic self and expand my knowledge and appreciation of the spiritual world, and bring my children so that they could learn basic principals of love and the God source.

A friend from New York, Maria, popped up in L.A. out of the blue one Sunday, and came over to the house. I mentioned I was looking for a church. The one I went to that day was off the list because I totally fell asleep during the service. That's not the only reason it wasn't working for me, but it was a clear sign. Maria mentioned that someone had told her about AGAPE. Now, years ago someone had suggested I check out the AGAPE SPIRITUAL CENTER. I didn't. I wasn't ready. But now I am. We have been going to Agape for the past few months, and what I have experienced and learned has played a big part in changing my life.

My heart is filled with gratitude for being right here, right now and for all the blessing coming my way. I want to continue blogging again, because I like the me I am becoming. Those of you who stop by and check us out, I hope you come away with something to think about, something to laugh about, something to love about. I'm feeling great, and the positive energy that radiates from me now is the best of myself and I am ready, willing and able to send it out to the world again.