QUESTIONS???

Why Can't NAOMI CAMPBELL Just Say "Kiss My Ass" and keep her cell phone to herself??? It's a beautiful ass. One of the loveliest in the world. Unfortunately, the ass we're talking about is on her head! This woman is a menace to minimum wage workers. The scourge of Assistants across the globe. For the fourth time, she has been arrested for assaulting an assistant, with a cell phone!

The heiffer is obviously made out of teflon. After a series of assaults, even threatening to push one assistant out of a moving car after she assaulted her with another cell phone (Bitch must get free minutes for this stunt!) she has yet to serve time in jail for her evil rampages! Anger Management obviously ain't a major ingredient in this Campbells soup. Obviously, Russell Crowe needs to get on the phone (oops! maybe they should use email) with Naomi and figure out how she gets away with throwing communication devices at underlings, when he did the same thing to a hotel worker and lost out on a shot at an Oscar!

President Bush should hire Naomi as the face of the Guest Worker Program! She could easily be a spokesperson for jobs Americans just won't do. We need guest workers, because nobody else will wash this guttersnipes' draws and let her hit them in the head with a phone and not KILL DA BITCH!



BRANDY! What the hell??? Looks like somebody is on the Whitney Houston Crack & Cigarettes Diet. The poor child ain't even filling out her panties anymore. Brandy, seriously, eat a biscuit and stop running after basketball players who play you again and again. PREDICTION: Implants before the next CD release, desperate times take desperate measures.





WHY CAN'T THE BOYS BE MORE LIKE ELLEN? Ellen Degeneres is at the peak of her career, and she's out and proud. Yes, she went through a lot of hell when she first came out, but her talent cannot be denied. She's at the top of her game with her talk show, which means she is embraced by the millions of str8 women who tune in everyday, and the sponsors who once walked away are now lining up to sell their wares on her show. Now when are some closeted celebrity males going to come out and be a role model for the boys? Ryan???

What the HELL is Teri Hatching? I read Teri Hatcher's tearful article in Vanity Fair. The sexual abuse ordeal she went through as a child was horrendous. So was her marriage, that was so sexless that she can pinpoint the day she conceived her daughter because she and her husband only had sex once that year! An now this... Teri has chosen to give her heart, hank of hair and bones to Ryan Seacrest. This sniveling, preening, oportunistic runt is a one way ticket to another sexless marriage. I can see it now, Teri Hatcher, Liza Minelli, Terry MacMillan, and Star Jones starring in, "Desperate Beards." Why Teri, why? Well, I guess you can look forward to sharing clothes and hair care products.

How Did It Last So Long? Russell & Kimora Lee Simmons have announced their divorce. I'm so sad I'm spitting up last weeks chicken bones! If the queen of Relentless Consumption and the King of Yoga & Franchise-zation can't make a go of it in any one of their six homes, then is there any hope for the rest of us? I must admit I have a soft spot in my head for Kimora. The Vanity Fair interview she did last year had me rolling on the couch laughing. The way she swore she would "beat a bitches' ass!" if she ever found Russell with another woman was classic Drag Queen Chic! But now that her Baby Phat line is outselling Russell's Phat Farm brand, I guess Kimoron has outgrown her diminuitive hubby. The biggest thing about Russell was his wallet, and now hers is bigger and harder than his. I wish the soon-to-be former Mrs. Simmons the best in her quest to be the soon-to-be former Ru Paul.




What in the 'Clay Aiken' happened to the Canadian Idol? Most of you probably don't know Kalan Porter, the second Canadian Idol. I was in Vancouver the year he won, and he was a really cute Canadian farm boy with, a great voice. Now, it looks like he's turned into one of Ellen's X-wives! Boy, you need to get back to your roots. Death to stylists!!!