The Envelope, PLEASE!

THE OSCARS have come and come and come and come and finally they are gone. The show felt really long to me, and the funny, touching and exciting moments were few and far between, but there were some beauts!

Three Six Maffia. Who the hell are they? I guess I'm not deep enough into hip-hop to know anything about them, but they did right a great song. I love IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP, and I'm glad it won. I was surprised and delighted. Finally, someone showed some excitement and enthusiasm for winning. I just hope they don't attach their Oscars to chains and wear them around their necks. Taraji P. Henson did a good job with the song, and even though they had to change some of the naughtier words, the whole performance worked. (I hear Tyra Banks was undercover as one of the hoes on stage during the number. Well, what can I say? If ya gotz to be a hoe, be an undercover hoe, yo!)

Brokeback Mountain's juggernaut was CRASHed. Can't say I didn't warn you. 1 out of every 4 members of the Academy are actors, and this was teh actor's favorite movie. It had lots of friends for them to vote for, it won the top prize at the SAG AWARDS, and it had lots of meaty roles. The actors branch bum rushed the show a few years ago when it was a forgone conclusion that SAVING PRIVATE RYAN was going to be the winner, and SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE, another actor's favorite, won for Best Picture.

I was ecstatic when TSOTSI won Best Foreign Film! It's really a great piece of work, and I can't encourage you all to see it on the big screen, it's magnificent. I was touched by the directors speech, but the beast part was seeing the two stars of the film in the audience, and having them actually get a shout out and stand up on camera. They deserved it. Amandla!

Almost everyone looked good last night, it makes the whole red carpet deal kind of boring. I long for Cher or Bjork to come back and show them how to make the front page of all the international newspapers. Still, there were some wrong turns on the way to the show.

Charlize Theron, great actress, not the best dresser. What was she trying to hide a hump with that giant bow? The whole thing was WRONG. The fit, the color, and that design! Looks like a leftover from a Project Runway challenge.

Now Paris Hilton, there just is no excuse for this celebretard. So much money, so little taste. Think of all the naked peacocks shivering in the cold, and for this! Quelle monstrosity! She gets two snaps way down, and a Napoleon Dynamite "IDIOT!"

The Oscars aren't the only place where people dress up...or dress out you could say. Check out the sisters at the SOUL TRAIN AWARDS.

VIVECA A FOX what the hell are you thinking these days. With all the botox, colored lenses, hair and pancake make-up, one would think you're having a rough time dealing with the fact that you are in your FORTIES!!! Stop the madness now, V! She could be the poster girl for a new law requiring women to show their ID before buying Hoochie Couture. But, I guess Viveca is doing the best she can, afterall she was hosting the show and to paraphrase an Oscar winning ditty - You know, it's hard out here for a hoe!

TICHINA ARNOLD, John Goodman from MONSTER'S INC called, he wants his arms back. What the hell was she thinking? A few nights prior, she won an NAACP IMAGE AWARD. After seeing the kind of image she portrays in this outfit, somebody ought to slap her upside the head and take the award back. Poor thang, she thinks she's looking fly, she even matched her eye shadow to her hairy arms. LOL

I think Jennifer Lopez was the best dressed woman at the Oscars. Her dress was a shade of green no one else wore. She looked elegant and sexy. Way to go, J LO. We've been missing you. Time to get back up on the screen.

Well, that's all for now. Until next year, "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are!"