IDOLIZING

This morning at around 8am, I had to go out for coffee beans (we grind our own because the coffee tastes much better.) My car was filthy, so I took it to the car wash on Sunset and then went across the street to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to load up. So, I get my beans, free filters size 4 (that's why I buy my beans there) and a free cup of decaf. As I'm leaving I notice a guy sitting in the back right next to the bathroom. He is typing on his Mac, and I think, cool working on your script so early in the morning. Then I did a double take, this was no mere aspiring writer, it was my blog idol, PEREZHILTON.COM! (The photo is a mash-up of Perez & Posh Spice.)

I went up to him and sat right down, which startled him a bit because, well...I was looking like crap, of course. Who thinks you are going to run into anyone at 8 in the morning getting a car wash and some beans? But of course, when you least expect it, you run into someone and you look like diarrhea on toast. (Not that I clean up that well lately anyway, but to quote a word PEREZHILTION.COM coined, I was looking particularly "whoreanus" this morning.)

Anywho, I pull up a chair and tell PEREZHILTON.COM that I am one of his older fans. I read his blog everyday, and he is an inspiration. He smiled and was kind enough to tell me that I didn't have to call myself older, but I'm a realist. I know I'm not his demographic, but who cares, I enjoy reading PEREZHILTON.COM for idol gossip and KEITHBOYKIN.COM for a little more substance. If anyone out there actually reads this blog, LOL, I suggest you also check out PEREZHILTON.COM if you need a laugh, or just some juicy chisme to color your day.

AMERICAN IDOL


On Tuesday morning, I was on my way to my Spanish class (where I learned 'chisme' was the word for gossip en español) at the Beverly Hills Lingual Institute. I was in the elevator when I recognized one of the men standing next to me. I said, "You look like the Executive Producer of American Idol." He started to smile, and as soon as I saw those giagantic horse teeth I knew it was him! (You see, he was one of the judges on his summer series SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and those teeth, well they just cannot be missed! The fact that up close you can tell they are veneers + the fact that he's British so you know his real teeth are "whoreanus", is proof positive he goes to MR. ED's dentist.)

I proceeded to gush, telling the EP (i don't remember his name so that's how I'll refer to him,) that AMERICAN IDOL is one of my favorite shows, and I was really looking forward to the first live show that evening. EP immediately shifted into promotion mode telling me, "Oh yes, it's a two hour show, and all of the girls sing. And on Wednesday there is another two hour show and all the boys sing. The results are on Thursday this week." I told him the schedule was already set on my Tivo. As he got off on the ground level he said this should be an exciting season, "The girls are great and the guys...well, they're...interesting."


Interesing? Hmmm... Well, after watching the guys last night, I know what he meant. This is the saddest group of male singers in the history of the show. More than half of the guys performed before we finally heard singer worth the competition.


CHRIS, a rocker, tore up Bon Jovi's DEAD OR ALIVE. This guy has got a lot of soul, and though I'm not a big rock fan, I am a fan of great singers and Chris has chops.

Next, ELLIOT sang Stevie Wonder's IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME. He was excellent. His voice has a richness, and the ease with which he sings really pulls you in. He is definitely not a pretty boy, (He should ask EP about his dentist - then go to someone else,) but he has talent to spare, and I hope to see him around for a long time.

The final good singer was ACE YOUNG. He sang George Michael's FATHER FIGURE. The arrangement, his look and his voice were excellent. This guy is going to take the heart throb crown. He does naturally what that rock pretender Constantine used to work so hard at last year. He also seems to have a warm, unassuming personality and it should take him a long way.

We now proceed from the GOOD to the BAD and the UGLY. Sorry, but like Simon, I'm just keeping it real. The absolutely 'realest' moment on the show was when Simon said, "People watching this show must be thinking we were out of our minds when we picked these guys!" That comment was spot on. And no matter how ferociously Paula interrupts Simon's critique every time he speaks, and no matter how much bull-butter she persists on spreading, the rest of these guys are toast. What were they thinking when they chose:

BOBBY who sang, COPACABANA. He was awful, his voice and persona reminded me of a third rate Jackie Gleason working as one of MCs you might find at a sleazy strip club telling bad jokes and singing racuous songs before they bring on the bazzooms. What were they thinking when they picked this ham on drumsticks? He needs to go. NOW!

And then there was Gedeon, the only African-American male in the competition - and he can't even spell his name right. I can't believe the judges couldn't find brothas better than this. We actually saw quite a few on the audition shows. And they pic this STEVE HARVEY/RICHARD PRYOR lookalike? He sang SHOUT! His arrogance overpowered the music, the lyrics and his lame dancing. This guy thinks he's great, but for real though, he's a buffoon. Throw on some blackface and a tophat and send his coon azz back to 1923! And I was so glad when Simon commented on his demented smile. That grin has enough cheese to put Kraft out of business!


The last of the worst is KEVIN. I just don't understand why he is there. Paula commented on how sweet he was, and how he had so much self-confidence to be 16 years old. Since when did this become CHARACTER IDOL? He may be a nice kid, but he can't SING! He foghorned his way through Brian McKnight's ONE LAST CRY. Now we all know Brian can SANG. If you are going to attempt one of his songs, you need to BRING IT! This "boy" can't even lift it. He sounded awuful, looked awful, and the critique was awful, because all three judges congratulated him. What are they deaf, dumb and blind? Only Simon pointed out that his fan base is over 90 years old. That's probably because they can't hear or see very well anymore. This kid sucks. Hate to be so blunt, but it's true. It lessens the competition when singers are judged on how 'nerdilicious' they are, and how much the girls want to pinch their cheeks. ¡Por fa-f*cking-vor! He needs to be sent packing so he can get back to school before his misses his Advanced Chemistry final and the next Chess Club match.

The rest of the men were dismal. Unmemorable and just plain sad. That croaking country singer. The other 16 year-old who tries to sing like he's Sinatra - what a couple of dung beetles. And then there's the Jay Leno/Joe Cocker mash-up. He has a decent voice, but his twitching and jerking around gives me the heebie-jeebies. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder can get away with those moves, the blind can't see what they look like, but this dude should check a mirror or some video tape, swallow a valium, calm down and just sing without all the spastic jerkiness.

I was so disappointed with the show last night. At this point in the series you want to be entertained. I think the producers and judges are making a big mistake by searching for archtypes (the rocker, the country singer, the crooner, the black guy, the bimbo, the freak) every year instead of looking for the very best singers. It's getting predictable, EP! Lose the formula, because we want to be entertained, NOT manipulated.

Next time we'll talk about the elimination and the GIRLS.

¡Nos vemos!