BUH-BYE!

Let us all bow our heads and say an insincere, "Buh-bye! So sad to see ya go!" to the first rejects of The new season of AMERICAN IDOL.

Buh-bye, Bimbo Becky, who's large breasteses and lung capacity could not hide the fact that she has no range, and sang like a foghorn in search of a leghorn. Simon was right, she's a pretty girl, and she should go off and become a model - "Victoria's Secret is calling, answer the door!"

Buh-bye, Pencilneck Patrick, you and your song were forgotten before the first commercial break. Paula, with botox tears running down her face, said she will be the first in line to buy your record - too bad she'll be in line alone (but I guess she's used to that since she went on National TV and cried to Dr. Phil about the fact that she cannot get a date! What was she thinking??? - but, I digress...)

Buh-bye, Stevie the Opera Trained Diva who has no breath control and wouldn't know her diaprham if it slapped her upside the La Traviata - tah-tah!


Buh-bye, Booby! You should be ashamed of yourself for blaming your grandmother for your drunken rendition of COPACABANA. Grandma was probably a drunk too, why else would she insist you sing the corniest narrative song since the Day My Momma Socked It to the Harper Valley PTA? Hopefully, grandma will convince you to go back to your job as a clown at Chuckie Cheese. They haven't known what to do with the left over fries since you've been gone.

IDOL GIRLS
The idol girls were way better than the boys. I actually voted several times for my favorites:

Mandisa. Okay, so the name is...well, unfortunate, but the woMANdisa can S-A-N-G! The ease with which she tackled that song by Heart, and her apparent comfort in her own skin were delightful to behold. I've loved her since she set my dawg, Simon, straight on his callous remark about needing "a bigger stage." Actually, I agree with him, she deserves a bigger stage, because she has bigger talent than the rest. I voted for her, and kept hitting the redial to vote again and again and again.

Paris Bennett. Babygirl tackled Gladys Knight, and didn't embarass herself. She's cute, very young, enthusiastic and has talent to burn. I bet she played Dorothy in THE WIZ in some community theatre. If a producer out there was smart enough to remake that movie with someone under 35 playing Dorothy (love you madly, Miss Ross, but you should be able to admit that mistake by now - or maybe that's why you drink...) Paris would be perfect in the lead. Keep up the good work, Kid. I voted for you at least twice.

Kinnik Sky...what an interesting name, and an interesting woman to boot. She was elegance personified in her evening gown, and I think she did a terrific job with GET HERE, I don't care what the judges said. Either the sound system in the space distorted her voice, or they've got liquid crack in those omnipresent coke glasses they always have sitting in front of them ( I KNOW Paula does!) They gave this woman nothing but grief, after congratulating and fawning over--

Lisa Tucker! Hold on, wait a minute, call off the lynch party. I know this 16 year-old breath of fresh air is supposed to be one of the favorites. She was one of mine too during the audition episodes. I think she has loads of talent, and look forward to hearing her singing songs more appropriate for her voice and age. She made a hot mess of I AM CHANGING, a fantastic showstopper from DREAMGIRLS that Jennifer Holiday stopped the show with for the second time in the second act. We're talking Broadway history here - mmkay! Lovely little Lisa was way out of her league. She was flat, limited, soul-less, and had no understanding of the lyric, otherwise she couldn't have sung it with a "smile for the class picture" grin on her face throughout. I know AI wants to hold on to the younger demographic, and that's probably why they chose those sad teenaged boys, and at least the teenaged girls are talented, but that's no excuse for giving a pitiful performance a pass. I hope, in fact, I'm confident this girl will shine in the future - but on Tuesday night, she chose the wrong song for her voice and emotional experience.

OOPS! Before I forget!

Katherine McPhee was pretty outstanding. I noticed her during the audition episodes. Homegirl has the pipes and the Kelly Clarkson booty that could take her all the way. I wouldn't be mad at her either.

Phew! Well, I have a lot more to say about AI, but nobody is listening/reading anyway, so I'll just let it go. I wish I could let go of my addiction to "unscripted" TV. Note, I did not say REALITY TV, because there is nothing real about walking around with a camera in your face and a boom mike over your head. But I must confess, I love it! I can't get enough of it. When one show has it's season finale, another has it's season premiere, and I find myself putting it on the Tivo. I even watch shows about people I know absolutely nothing about, like...

LISA LOEB. I really don't know anything about this woman, except she had a hit a few years ago that came along with an intersting video, and she's the first woman since Sally Jesse Raphael to be identified more by her glasses than her talent. But I can't help myself. I like her show.

The show is called #1 SINGLE, and that's also the title of the cute theme song that is so catchy, I downloaded it from iTunes! Yes, I did it! I admit it! I'm a Lisa Loeb groupie - I'm a Loebie! Even though her show is so stupid! The premise is, she moves back to New York City, a thirty-seven year old woman who has had two six year relationships that failed to lead to marriage, and now she wants to get married to satisfy her own dreams and stop her Jewish mother from kvetching about grandkids.

Now, Lisa Loeb looks like a smart cookie, or maybe it's just the glasses, because why would a smart woman return to NY to find a man and let cameras follow her around while she meets men and goes out with them. How are you really going to get to know someone when you've got a camera crew following you around the whole time? It doesn't work for the Bachelor or the Bachelorette (except for that freaky/needy blond that got married on TV) and it won't work for Lisa Loeb. I keep hoping she discovers the boom guy is hot, and she can start dating him. At least there would be one less person on her dates, and she might achieve some form of semi-intimacy.

And what the FLUX happened to Illeana Douglas' career? She's on every week, either introducing Lisa Loeb to the dog park, feng shuiing her apartment while pimping her to the plumber, or just hanging out. And Lisa Loeb always says, "So, I was writing a new song when my good friend Illeana Douglas dropped by..." She calls her "Ileana Douglas" all the time. Both names! And that bothers me, but I can't stop watching the show. Whenever it shows up on my Tivo list, I snuggle under the covers, usually while my partner is cooking dinner, and watch another idiotic episode. I can't help myself. She may be stupid, hard up for a date, and obsessed by her ticking womb clock, but I also find her adorable. And I can't get that song out of my head: Singe me out! You've got my number. Yeah, you wanna be my number one - Single me out! There is no other. Yeah, you wanna be my #1 Single!

Good Lord, I was just wrapping up this post four paragraphs ago. I promise to lay off Unscripted TV for at least a week. There must be something else to write about or at least think about... Like that new show coming on BET on March 9th, "LIL' KIM: COUNTDOWN TO LOCKDOWN." With a title like that - HOW CAN I RESIST!!!!